When the world throws thousand-pound ice blocks at you... make ice cream

Frustrated, Frank had to ask the question.

What do you do with thousands of massive ice blocks that have no use?

Twelve years in the ice block business, then some a-hole invents the electrically operated refrigeration unit. Shiza!

Frank would not let a newfangled gadget steal his thunder, though. Frank was a dreamer, a visionary.

With old-school freezer gear and ice aplenty, Frank opened an ice rink, which proved insanely popular – in part due to a method he’d devised of eliminating rippling caused by pipes.

Nine years later Frank invented a machine that changed the ice resurfacing job from a three-man, 90-minute bother to a one-man, 10-minute breeze.

Still, Frank wasn’t satisfied. He yearned to create a superior ice-skating experience. Frank strapped his machine onto a jeep and wheeled it ‘round the ice, letting his vehicle shoulder the work for him.

People started phoning Frank demanding to buy his ice resurfacers. They paid well. He opened a second plant in Ontario, Canada.

Like a mad man, Frank continued his quest for the perfect ice tamer. He made modifications removing ice buildup here, adding an automatic edger there – until Frank realized – he completely owned the ice resurfacing business.

Frank Zamboni was elected into the U.S. Hockey Hall of Fame in 2009.

I Work Best on Crystal Meth - Fergie

Pre-hardcore crystal meth addiction, Fergie was a childhood star.

Well, sort of.

She provided voice-overs in made-for-TV Peanuts cartoons as the voice of Sally.

But hey, cut Fergs a break – she was a cheerleader, straight-A student and Girl Scout. (Oh, and spelling bee champion.)

From age 9 to 13, Fergie starred on a sing-along sitcom called Kids Incorporated.

After Kids got canned, she joined a chick-band trio called Wild Orchids.

The group made two forgettable albums, and the record label denied their third.

In her late twenties, Fergie met addiction.

She got strung out on crystal meth like a limp, vermicelli noodle floating in a bathtub. But in 2005, she kicked meth to the curb. "It was the hardest boyfriend I ever had to break up with," she says of the drug. (False reports state she also dated a plastic spoon.)

Musical group Black Eyed Peas unlocked the door to Fergie's celebrity.

She was invited to sing one track with the band.

She dominated.

B.E.P. asked her to lay down vocals on five additional tracks.

Music was made. Magic was created. And, a musical foursome was born as a baby lay in a manger one starry night.

Fergie rode B.E.P. to fame like Boom Boom Pow.

Bozo to Billionaire. The Mark Cuban Story.

Mark Cuban was just a bartender.

(Post-college; moved to Dallas in '82.)
Then. He sold PC software.

But. He was fired in less than a year.

Tired of taking orders, Cuban launched MicroSolutions, a software reselling firm.

Like the nerd-pimp he is, he sold it & walked away with a cool 2 million.

Pockets full o' cash, Cuban followed a passion project – airing audio online so he could listen to beloved basketball games.

(The guy was an Indiana Hoosiers nut!)

It dawned on him – others might want to listen to stuff online.

He created AudioNet, which became Broadcast.com.

It exploded!

He sold it for 5.9 billion.

Then. Cuban bought the Dallas Mavericks, established HD Net, cha-cha-ed on Dancing with the Stars and did some other stuff. 5.9 billion!!

See Cuban get thrown through a table here:

Games for Kids: Britney Plays Telephone?

When Britney was eight, she was negotiating contracts with her NYC agent. 

When I was eight, I was building tiny pyramids out of scabs.

Is Chuck Norris Jesus?

When Jesus realized his full Jesus-ness, he achieved miracles.

But then, you could say the same of Chuck Norris.

Norris grew up dirt poor.

His mom shouldered him in a blanket, picking cotton in fields when he was little. He got beat up for being weak at school.

But in 1968, Norris lost for the last time.

(You might say Norris discovered his full Chuck Norris-ness! at this time.)

Post-1968, Norris was crowned Karate World Champion 6 years straight. 

He made pals with Steve McQueen after teaching Steve's son martial arts. To solidify their friendship, they wore leotards in a fitness class together. (Check Chuck's biography Against All Odds for more on this important fact.)

Then Norris met Bruce Lee at a karate convention.

They shared an elevator, continued talking and spent a night in a hotel room exchanging karate moves. (See Against All Odds. Greatness.)

Equipped with Hollywood connections, 9 degrees of blackbelt and a chest full of hair, Norris penetrated the 80s film scene like the fiercest kick ever known to man. Thus, a star was born.

Watch Norris & Lee's epic struggle in Way of the Dragon– (Clearly a smash hit.)

Can't get enough Chuck?

Here's 10 (legitimate) Chuck Norris facts you might not know:

1. His real name is Carlos.

2. He founded his own fighting style, Chun Kuk Do.

3. He's donates thousands of dollars to the Republican party each year.

4. He had his own animated series. It was so terrible it only lasted like, um, eight episodes.

5. His father was an alcoholic.

6. He divorced and re-married model Gena O'Kelley, 23 years his junior.

7. A doctor once showed a man I know an X-ray example of "a heck of a lot of scar tissue." That was Chuck Norris' X-ray.

8. His younger brother Weiland was killed in Vietnam.

9. He served in the air force; he still strongly supports the U.S. Armed Forces.

10. He founded and has sunk $16 million into a project called World Combat League; it's like the UFC but team-oriented and less brutal.

MEGAN FOX is an Asian gymnast.

In the same way Chinese officials steal babies and force flexibility drills on them before they're potty trained, Megan Fox was groomed for acting.

At age 5, Fox began her training.

She learned drama, dance, song and swimming.

At 13, she broke into modeling.

At 16, she scored legit TV and movie roles.

Fox landed big-time shows prior to becoming a legal adult: What I Like About You, Bad Boys II, Two and a Half Men, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen – to name a few.

Then. There was the earth-shattering Transformers scene.

Like a ready to rupture tensed balloon, Fox's sex appeal burst onto the big screen.

Welcome to celebrity, Ms. Fox.

See Megan's metaphorical bursting balloon here:

I Lost $15 Million & I'm a Huge Douche!

In 1997, Troy Duffy was handed the deal of a lifetime.

It entailed $15 million cash, keys to the bar where he worked and a multi-million dollar record deal for his band, The Brood.

Duffy's story starts here...

He moved to L.A. to break into music. For cash, he took a job as a bartender.

One day he came home to find a dead woman being wheeled out of a drug dealer's apartment across the hall.

This stirred his inspiration for writing a screenplay.

"I decided right there that out of sheer frustration and not being able to afford a psychologist, I was going to write this."

Duffy rented a computer (he didn't own one), and wrote The Boondock Saints out of pure disgust.

Soon Harvey Weinstein, head of Miramax Films, came knocking on Duffy's door, holding a $15 million check for his script (among other perks).

But in the end...

Duffy's is not a success story.

By acting like a drunken, arrogant prick, Duffy earned the Hollywood blacklist.

Weinstein pulled the deal. And, zero film companies would work with him.

(For more depressing details, rent Overnight, which chronicles Duffy's rise and fall.)

After tap-dancing his script around town for months, Boondock finally got backed by a tiny, no-name production group.

Boondock did jack-squat in theaters.

Yet incredibly, by word of mouth, it sold over $6,000,000 on DVD!

Sucks for Duffy! According to his licensing contract, he doesn't see a dime for DVDs.

Look for  The Boondock Saints 2 in theaters October 30, 2009.

See the trailer here:

I Smoke Pot - Norah Jones

Or at least, she claims Willie Nelson as her mentor.

At 16, Geetali Shankar changed her name to Norah Jones with a nod from her father, renowned sitarist, Ravi Shankar.

(For you crumpet-eating chaps in the back, a sitar is a Middle Eastern banjo-like thing played by dread-head hippies who sip marijuana tea.)

Two years studying jazz piano and Jones quit college.

She moved to Manhattan, joined a band called Wax Poetic, and recorded a demo for acclaimed jazz label, Blue Note.

Like dogs to sirloin, the scouts salivated over Jones' dreamy voice – they rushed her back to the studio to pump out an album.

That first album, incredible. Amazing. Phenomenal! Orgasmic? (Coupled with a bag o' Pop Rocks, yes.)

Come Away with Me scored 5 Grammies, stole Album of the Year and hit number 1 in the charts.

Overnight, Jones struck stardom.

As a side, she was 22, and her only formal voice training was a year in high school choir.

See Norah light Elmo's fire on Sesame Street:

Robot from the Future! - Vanilla Ice

Did you know...

Vanilla Ice's real name is Van Winkle. That's Robert Van Winkle to you, sir.

As a scrawny 13-year old, Van Winkle liked break dancing.

He was the only white boy on th' block with moves.

Thus, his African-American brethren dubbed him Vanilla Ice.

The name stuck.

At 16, Ice wrote his theme song. ("Ice Ice Baby" for you Mongol warriors in the back.) Yet it wasn't 'til he signed with Ichiban Records nine years later that the song released, it got airtime and Ice blew up like a sparkler in a Roman Candle factory.

Lessons in fame, fortune & selling out from the Ice man:

"[The Record Company] told me, we want you to wear these baggy pants because the young kids like it and it's all glittery and polished and everything, and I said, 'Fuck no, I'm not wearin' this gay-ass shit,' and they said, 'Well here's a million dollars, man, will you do it?' And I said, 'Fuck yes.'" -Robert Van Winkle

Well said, Ice. Well said.

Now go back to remedial third-grade English.

See Ice on Arsenio wearing a lunar module space suit here:

The Genius Dumb Guy - Sylvester Stallone

Sylvester Stallone is a big, dumb brute.

That's what I used to think.

Until I discovered – it wasn't a Hollywood egghead who wrote Rocky.

It was the man we know as John Rambo.

In a self-made wave of fame, Stalone rode Rocky to stardom.

See Stalone in the movie that started it all:

One Script Away from Epic - Matt Damon

For every $29 at the box office, Damon gets $1.

Oh, and his films generally gross $2 billion.

Damon's among the top 35 highest grossing actors of all time.

He owns a Star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame.

And he had one line of dialogue in 1988's Mystic Pizza. (Epic!)

As to his fame, Damon had been a starving actor for years.

(He ate quite well actually. His parents were loaded, and he attended Harvard though he didn't graduate.)

However, he and his boy Ben Affleck networked like crazy.

Through connections, they got their script looked at by A-list writers and directors all over Hollywood.

Equipped with expert advice, Damon and Affleck altered the script to what's now known as Good Will Hunting.

The film received 9 Academy Award nominations and won Damon and Affleck Best Original Screenplay. Boom.

I'm f*cking Matt Damon:

High School Hookup - Jen Love Hewitt

Jennifer Love Hewitt attended high school with Jonathan Neville.

Jonathan became a talent scout and scored her a role on Party of 5.

Party of 5 made Jen famous.

See Jen (get smashed) in her early days:

Fred Durst, starring in "Why the 'F' is Fred Durst famous?"

Fred Durst puts the 'F' in "Why the 'F' is Fred Durst famous?".

Here's the scoop:

Fred went to the Navy.

Fred married, divorced, then went to jail after pummeling the man who had sex with his ex-wife.

Fred moved to Florida to start over.

Fred tried to be a tattoo artist. 

Fred realized he sucked as a tattoo artist.

Fred got serious about music.

Fred recruited other guys serious about music.

Fred formed the band Limp Bizkit.

Fred BSed the crap out of record labels to gain cred for his band:

"I was acting like I was my own manager on the phone. I'd change my voice and I'd change my name and was talking shit to all these record companies. Everybody. Just bullcrap, not knowing a thing about the industry, but they were believing me because I'm a good bull-shitter." 

-Fred Durst

Fred stole a song from George Michaels called "Faith."

Fred infiltrated MTV.

Fred gained a fan base and made a hit record.

Lessons in fame w/ Fred:

1. Start gossipy celebrity feuds; ie: Slipknot, Placebo, Megadeth

2. Have sex with a celebrity (*cough*, Britney Spears), then tell intimate details to anyone.

3. Establish an image, which is completely false.

"I play up the pimp thing on purpose. Like, when I'm on MTV, these chicks are fanning and massaging me. It's not like I attracted 'em off the street. We fucking hired 'em. I want everybody to be thinking I'm having the time of my life, but I'm single and miserable." -Fred Durst

See Fred sing "Faith" here:

Taking Your Dreams by Force - Teddy Roosevelt

As a boy, TR's asthma was so bad he slept in a chair most nights.

Due to poor health, he couldn't play sports or attend public school.

Instead, he collected dead animals and bugs.

After one doctor's exam, TR's physician advised he pursue a desk job, one with low strenuous activity.

TR had different plans.

He engaged in rowing, boxing, Delta Kappa Epsilon, Porcellian Club and edited a student magazine at Harvard University.

(He placed runner-up in Harvard's boxing championship.)

After entering Columbia Law School, TR dropped out to run for New York Assemblyman and write a best-selling book about Naval history.

In his late-2os TR entered politics, left politics and built a ranch where he learned to rope and ride.

He chronicled frontier life for Eastern magazines, then became a deputy sheriff, hunting and capturing outlaws.

TR returned to city life as president of NYC's Police Commissioners' Board.

Two years later, he was appointed Assistant Secretary of the Navy.

TR then commanded a rugged cavalry unity (the Rough Riders) in the Spanish-American War. 

Post-war, he was nominated governor of New York and soon after McKinley's Vice-President.

When McKinley was assassinated, TR became president of the U.S., aka the most powerful man on earth.

How did TR become famous? 

TR beat fame over the head with a big stick.

See TR & his Rough Riders here:

Roundabout Road to Celebrity - Gerard Butler

If GB didn't graduate president of his law school with honors,

he wouldn't have taken time out to live in America.

If he hadn't gone to America,

he might not have partied hard and drank too much.

If he hadn't partied hard and drank too much,

he wouldn't have been arrested and gone back to Scotland.

If he hadn't gone back home,

he might not have become a lawyer.

If he hadn't become a lawyer,

he wouldn't have gotten fired and abandoned law.

If he hadn't abandoned law,

he might not have returned to America to pursue acting.

If he didn't return to pursue acting,

the movie 300 would really suck.

And if there was no 300, you tell me–

There probably wouldn't be any Christmas. 

Read more about Gerard here.

See him slay wicked beasts here:

Retarded Sock Salesman Gets His Own TV Show

Tom Green reminds me of a mentally handicapped broom handle.

With a serious face, he loudly repeats odd phrases.

That's it.

That's his secret comedy recipe.

Career-wise, Green might've been a sock salesman or a cheese sandwich maker.

But he didn't.

He's a famous TV host, movie star and former husband to Drew Barrymore.

(She divorced him in 5 months, but still, the guy's a broom handle!)

Green started in radio.

He harassed late night callers with his buddy Glenn.

In time, his segment became an underground favorite of greater-Ottawa peeps. 

With a widening fan base, Green bagged his own local TV show.

Then, amazingly, MTV picked up his show, the Tom Green Show.

Throw in a few zany movies and a short-lived, destined-to-fail celebrity marriage, and Tom Green is officially a superstar.

Watch a bit from Green's new Internet talk show: 

Becoming America's #1 Bombshell

She was a ripe, curly-haired brunette named Norma Jeane.

With distinct spunk of a budding woman, she signed on to help America win World War II.

Nine-to-five at a wartime factory Norma Jeane inspected parachutes. (Wearing starched skirt and rolled-up sleeves, of course.)

One day, an army photographer spotted her.

He snapped an industrious-looking pic, and pleased by the results, suggested she become a model.

At once, she dyed her hair blonde and found an agency.

Norma Jeane became Blue Book's most successful model ever, stealing the spotlight on scores of covers.

Via modeling, Norma Jeane caught the eye of Fox executive Ben Lyon, who immediately dealt her a contract.

Norma Jeane changed her name to Marylin Monroe, busted onto the big screen and climbed her way to the top of the film chain.

With sex appeal aplenty and powerful girlish charm, Marylin Monroe soon became Marylin Monroe.

What you may not know about her: 

*Monroe was an illegitimate child. She had no father, and her mother was mentally unstable, eventually moving to a psych ward. Monroe grew up in foster homes.

*To pay the bills as a young actress, Monroe posed nude for photos–she's featured in the first issue of Playboy. The pics surfaced later and made for a notably public scandal.

*On set, Monroe was hard to work with: she was tardy, moody and forgot her lines.

*Monroe had severe stage fright. One director described her fear as "sheer primal terror."

*She got pregnant twice; she had miscarriages both times.

*She studied literature and art history at UCLA.

*She was never a natural blonde.

Watch her sing the birthday song here:

Vexed Blogger Finds a Niche - Jay Louis

Sometimes, greatness is born of frustration.

Man was cold. Thus he created fire.

Man was tired. He forged the wheel.

Man was dirty. And he manufactured ShamWow. (2X the absorbency.)

For Jay Louis, douchebaggery fanned the frustration flames.

"How come hot chicks date douchebags?" Jay sulked to himself.

One reflective butt scratch later, the mission was clear: a blog exposing the hotty/douchey combo.

HotChicksWithDoucheBags.com

Everyone knew the site would explode.

And it did – pageviews poured in by the thousands.

Big brands vied for ad space.

Pushy publishers fought for a book deal.

And finally, Jay got his own TV show.

Never forget – it all started 'cause Jay disdained douche-scrotes.

See a plug for Jay's new show here:

I'll Do It Myself, Thanks - David Gray

David Gray's music was pirated more than any other artist in the UK.

Gray toured with Radiohead.

Then Dave Matthews.

He sold out every show he booked.

People sang his songs.

But, he was broke.

Three albums, same result.

People killed for his music, but nobody actually bought it.

Gray was a well-known, best-kept secret.

However. He believed in himself and his music.

Dropped by his first two labels, Gray went solo.

He locked himself in his flat for a month.

He took every penny he had.

And he created an album called White Ladder.

That album, holy cow!

It reached multi-platinum, scored 5 hit singles and won a 2002 Grammy nomination for Best New Artist!

See Gray perform on his 1st tour after hitting it big:

I Used to be a Dirty Homeless Guy - James Franco

After dropping out freshman year at UCLA, James Franco became a dirty homeless guy.

Technically he had a house, but he lacked a car, income and motivation to shower regularly. (His parents cut him off when he dropped school to pursue acting.)

Franco was forced to get a job thing.

Because he looked like a dirty homeless guy, Franco couldn't land the humblest of waiter's job.

So.

He swallowed his pride, and also, a big mac.

Franco took a job at McDonald's.

Now if you've seen him, you know Franco's extremely smiley. Very positive thinker.

Thus, he saw drive-thru duty as an opportunity. 

Whilst taking orders and scooping fries, he was in character.

Franco as Italian guy: Helloa der, woulda jew like-a to trya big mac?

Hungry dude: Yeah hi, can I get a number 4 with a large diet squirt?

Franco as Italian guy: Heya, o' coursa. Pulla yer car arounda da weendow.

That's how it went down.

Back on his feet and a will to win, it was a matter of time 'til Franco scored a winning role.

See Franco describe his McDonald's stint here:

How to become the World's Most Powerful Woman

20 steps to become Oprah:

1. Grow up in extreme poverty in rural Mississippi 

2. Be raised by a teenage, single mother

3. Move to slums of Milwaukee

4. Become a bookworm and skip 2 grades of elementary

5. Be raped at 9

6. Run away from home at 13

7. Have a kid who dies in infancy at 14 

8. Go live with your father 'cause your mom thinks you're too much

9. Become an honors student

10. Be voted "Most Popular Girl in School"

11. Win Miss Black Tennessee Beauty Pageant

12. Land a radio job in high school

13. Co-anchor the local news at 19

14. Segue into the daytime talk show arena and immediately boost ratings from 3rd to 1st place 

15. Start your own production company

16. Launch Oprah Winfrey Show

17. Surpass Donahue to become #1 talk show in America

18. Interview Michael Jackson to hold title of most watched interview in history (100 million viewers)

19. Create a book club, which alone catapults any single book to become a New York Times Best-Seller

20. Be voted World's Most Powerful Woman and hold a net worth of nearly $3 billion

Watch Oprah ask Michael the million $ question:

Read more here.

Beer, Moose & Modeling - Pam Anderson

To me Canadian football is like the W-NBA, only there are fewer pigtails, more moose and a non-orb-shaped ball.

Picture if you will: an arena full of sloshed Canadians shouting mumbled incoherencies.

A time out is called. A moose scampers across the field. The camera spots a fat guy. He burps. Crowd cheers.

Then. Out of nowhere.

The camera catches a 21-year old Pam Anderson wearing a painted-on beer brand tee.

Time stops.

Seconds become days. Days become weeks. Weeks become breasts.

Little Larry Mooselberg in the back breaks the silence with a cheer. Standing ovation. General uproar.

The entire game is forgotten. (Was anybody watching anyway?)

By popular demand, Anderson is led onto the field.

Cheering all around. She continues standing.

More cheers.

She's offered a modeling contract on the spot, as a moose sheds a single, joy-filled tear. And that's how she got her break.

Don't miss early-years Pam montage below:

See her wiki here.

Once Screech, Always Screech

Need I say where Screech is famous from? (Saved By the Bell for you Aboriginal tribesmen in the back.)

After Screech left Saved By the Bell, Screech tried to become a comedian. But Screech couldn't escape being Screech.

Audience: "Hey Screech, do that Screech thing."

Screech: "Listen, I'm not Screech anymore. I'm a comedian."

Audience: "Haha, Screeech!"

Another celeb's fate to consider:

Screech today, Screech tomorrow. 

Screech's (pitiable) comedy:

Gay Porn (What Not to Do)

This dude might look familiar. 

(And not just 'cause he looks like Harry Connick, Jr.)

His name's Simon Rex.

He's starred in some MTV stuff, the TV show Felicity and a ton of those crappy parody movies including Scary Movie 3, Scary Movie 4, SuperHero Movie, etc.

Oh, you may also know him as the B-list rapper, Dirt Nasty.

In the late '90s, Rex exploded.

He skirted onto the scene, scoring hit TV shows left and right, a few movie spots and being branded as that new cool MTV guy. (You know, that guy who chills on MTV summer beach locations and mumbles into the mic wearing a strategically-tilted mesh hat.)

Rex not only landed these amazing gigs, he tore them up! He nailed 'em!

However. 

Apparently this wasn't the only thing Rex had been nailing.

You see, in his effort to bust onto the scene, he had taken a few "opportunities."

Gay porn. Rex had done gay porn to pay the bills just before he made it as an actor.

Eventually word got out concerning his pre-celebrity line of work.

Gay porn ruined Rex, condemning him to second-rate acting jobs. Forever.

As I see it, Rex's rap persona, Dirt Nasty, was born out of despair. When your gay porn identity is revealed, everything goes downhill.

Lessons learned: Poor early decisions can compromise your career. To pay the bills, opt for Ramen Noodle. Also, avoid gay porn.

See Rex as Dirt Nasty alongside Beardo in his latest vid "Drugs On My Mind" below:

(Ps, it's got a long intro.)

Roll with It - Owen Wilson, Wes Anderson

Like school boys gushing to become NFL quarterbacks, Owen Wilson and Wes Anderson dreamed of making movies.

College buds at UT Austin, movies were all they talked about.

One day, (likely after smoking a power joint) the two decided to give it a shot. They co-wrote a script called Bottle Rocket. 

Wilson's dad worked in TV, and he (no doubt hesitantly) got them a sit down with a movie producer.

With the producer's help, they whipped the script into a short film. And using the same guy's connections, they actually landed a spot in Sundance Film Festival.

While their film won zero Sundance awards, the pair did receive enough funding to make it a full-length feature.

If you've seen the movie, you know it sucks (in a low budget sense). 

In fact, "The Studio said Bottle Rocket was their worst-testing movie in history, so I looked into the marines," Wilson later remarked.

However, the full-length did provide them legit street cred – Wilson in acting, Anderson in directing.

Somewhere in these great United States soon after, Ben stiller watched Bottle Rocket and got a serious kick out of Wilson's role. Straight up, he called Wilson and asked if he'd be in his new movie.

The Cable Guy sparked the beginning of a synergetic, prolific partnership.

Alongside Stiller, Wilson starred in Zoolander, The Royal Tenenbaums, Starsky & Hutch, Meet the Fockers and more.

At the same time, Anderson stuck to his vision. He produced a line of rich, cult classics including Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, The Life Aquatic and The Darjeeling Limited. (Of course, Wilson piggybacked on roles in every single one.)

When you think about it, Wilson and Anderson easily found fame.

From college geeks to super celebs – it took one salty script and a few hook-ups. Look where they're at now.

Click here to read Wilson's story.

Click here to read Anderson's.